LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
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Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming