Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”