[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
You Might Also Like
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?