I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
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It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
one last job
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream