Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
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[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.