Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
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Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.