My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
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When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”