If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
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my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
My boss called in sick of me
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.