my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
You Might Also Like
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Truth
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
this has to be peak English
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’