Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
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Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
San Francisco has too many rules
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”