the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
You Might Also Like
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.