me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
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Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”