Waiting for the Charmin
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roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things