My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage