Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
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netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
#oldknees
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀