I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
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I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
The Struggle
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan