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Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
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The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.