Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.