Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
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i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
when u come home smelling like another dog
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up