Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
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The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.