her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
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*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.