My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
You Might Also Like
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.