Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
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[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*