God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
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If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”