Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Every house has this drawer
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.