*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
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Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.