What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
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My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.