KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
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I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I don’t make the rules sorry
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.