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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
when the buffet is more honest than your date
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.