I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
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You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
it’s finally my moment to shine
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.