first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
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me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
This is not me but this is me
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed