Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
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Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?