Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
You Might Also Like
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.