If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
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This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”