The only good comments section online is on recipes
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I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Trying
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts