I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
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sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.