a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
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My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.