“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
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Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
☺️
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people