To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
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What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Who says great literature is dead?
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*