me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
You Might Also Like
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
My zodiac sign is pistachio
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.