Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
You Might Also Like
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.