ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
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My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.