1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
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Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Meow
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room