My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
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I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history