(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
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wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”