You Might Also Like
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Just this preview of the story is enough
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.