I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
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[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.