You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
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I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake