I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
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Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Still cracks me up
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.