WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
You Might Also Like
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
u spoke cat all this time??????
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Trying
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears